Story Time: The Poopkin

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Anyone who knows me knows that I’m quite fond of a good prank. Every year when Halloween rolls around I’m reminded of quite possibly the greatest prank that I’ve ever had the pleasure of being involved in. The year was 1996 and I was a junior in high school. There were only a handful of guys who rode BMX in my school so those were the dudes that I hung out with the most. At the time only one person in the group had a car and he quickly became the chauffeur for our little band of BMX bandits.

A few days before Halloween rolled around that year it was decided that Curtis (the dude with the car, or should I say truck) would drive us to different neighborhoods so that we could maximize our candy yield. This decision happened during a talk at the lunch table and during it someone brought up the fact that sometimes people would just leave plastic pumpkins filled with candy on their steps with a note that said “please take one.” We thought that since we would have a car close by we could just take the whole damn pumpkin and truly load up with as much candy as possible. Seems like a sound plan right? Well this is about where the wheels of our twisted adolescent minds really started spinning. What if instead of just stealing a pumpkin full of candy, we replaced it with something better. What could possibly be better than a pumpkin full of candy you ask? How about a pumpkin full of poop with a thin veneer of candy covering the poop! It would also have a “please take one” note attached to it. This way if a kid abided by the note they would be in the clear. Only the greediest of kids would reach the “surprise” we had waiting for them under the candy.

There wasn’t one person who was not onboard with the idea so we started making plans to make this shit happen. I would supply the plastic pumpkin since I had one at my house, we’d get the poop from our buddy Josh’s house since he had two giant poop factories known as bullmastiffs, and we would do a bit of trick-or-treating prior to the prank to acquire the candy to cover the poop (we were poor kids so actually going out and buying candy was not even on our radars).

So come Halloween everybody is fired up for the prank. It was definitely one of those days when school seems to drag on forever. 2:15 finally came and we all started making our way to Josh’s house for phase one of the plan, the gathering of the poop. Have you ever seen bullmastiff shit? It’s definitely proportional to the dog it comes out of. It only took a few piles to have the pumpkin three quarters filled up with the stuff. That phase went a little faster than we had anticipated so we had to kill some time until it got dark and we could begin the candy acquisition phase of the operation.

I’m pretty sure we just rode around until the sun started to go down. Once it did we set off in Curtis’ truck to a find a good concentration of houses to hit. Note that we had a pumpkin full of poop next to us in the back of the truck! I wrapped it in a bag but it still smelled atrocious. Oh well, it was just a cost we had to pay. Since there were like five of us, it only took going to a few houses to get enough candy to cover the surprise we had in the pumpkin. We emptied what we had onto the poop and we were ready for the final phase of the mission, finding a house that had put their own plastic pumpkin of candy out. So in years prior this had been a common occurrence. Not this year though! I guess people had wised up after their whole pumpkins of candy went missing within the first few minutes of people trick-or-treating. We drove around for a good hour looking for a house with a candy filled pumpkin but there were none to be found. Hell, maybe they had already been jacked!

At this point we had been riding around with a pumpkin of poop for a good hour and a half and it was starting to take it’s toll on moral. We’d come all this way with the execution of the plan and there was no way we weren’t going to see it through. It was decided that we would just find a house that had their porch light on and leave our little gift to the world on their steps. We found one that looked promising so we parked the truck, hopped out, and figured out our plan of attack. We’d wait for it to be clear of trick-or-treaters and then two people would run the poopkin as it was now called up to the steps. The rest would wait in some woods across from the house. After the poopkin was dropped off everybody would duck behind the trees so that we could wait for a victim.

At this point it had gotten kind of late so the flow of trick-or-treaters had slowed down considerably. After waiting for what seemed like forever we saw some kids heading up the driveway to the house. Just our luck that these first kids were honest upstanding citizens who read the note and actually only took one piece of candy. We struck out with that group but just as they were on their way down the driveway another kid was on his way up. He paused for a second when he got to the pumpkin. Did he know something was up? Could he smell the not so delicious treat hiding under the candy? Nope, he was just reading the note and accessing the situation. He gave a look around, saw that there was no one close by, and then magic happened. This fool plunged his hand fully into the pumpkin in an attempt to grab as much candy as he possibly could!

The funny thing about shit is that you instantly know it’s shit. You can be walking through mud and step on shit and you can distinguish the two. Judging by his reaction he knew damn well what he had just gone wrist deep into. He recoiled his hand out of that pumpkin as if the thing was full of magma and just stood there for a second staring at his shitty paw. At this point we all lost it and were literally doubled over laughing. He had to have heard us so we ran off through the woods back to the truck. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that much in my whole life! There wasn’t a day that went by for the next month that one of us wouldn’t randomly think about the prank and start cracking up. It was one of those things that went down in our school’s history. For years it was talked about and I even met people who went to our school years later who had heard about the legend of the poopkin.  Good fucking times!